How to drain a boil ….

I read this on the internet today:

Many people ask us how to drain boils. Normally a boil will drain on its own, and should be allowed to do so. This usually will happen 5-7 days after it forms.  … Do not drain boils. Allow the boil to form and drain on its own. If you try to drain boils on your own, they may spread and/or become infected. If it becomes infected, antibiotics are necessary.

In Dec of 2009 the “boil” representing the inner turmoil of my life started to drain.  As the emotional “pus” began to drain, the Lord gave me a vision.  I saw a rocky path ahead, but one that was not insurmountable.  Blocking the way to the path was a huge boil.  It was mammoth.  I saw it was draining and I said “I need to clean this up.”  I sensed almost immediately the Lord quicken to me forcefully, “DON’T TOUCH IT!  I WILL CLEAN IT UP!”

Over the last 13 months, he has done just that.  The boil has drained.  There is a scar, but I sense the boil has run it’s course.  Now it is time to tackle the path, knowing the Lord has me covered and as the Great Physician, He has provided that which I needed to heal properly.

I have been fighting fear of the most dreaded type in the last couple of days.  As I move forward into the ministry I believe the Lord is opening for me, fear has become my constant companion.  The Spirit of Prophecy by Marsha Burns has been an ongoing source of help and support for me.

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns — 2/11/11:

Beloved, separate yourself from everything that instills fear and brings confusion. Refuse to allow anything to undermine your peace and stability in Me. If you will do this, you will be able to see clearly the attack of the enemy against you, which will then position you to resist him while you maintain spiritual integrity. I will give you this insight if you will set your heart to see, says the Lord.

1 Peter 5:8-9 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.

Today A friend told of a man who spoke of Jesus on the cross hanging between two thieves.  One thief was the past and one thief was the future.  Both thieves steal from your today.  You can’t do anything about the past, thus the numerous admonitions to separate myself from things that cause fear.  Have courage, don’t be timid and so forth and so on.   It has been so bad, I can’t get my stomach under control.  Yet following the advice of the scriptures and the admonition of the Lord through other people, I sense my stomach beginning to relax.   If the past starts working with the future, the two working together will cause me great harm.  Yet I have to ignore both of them.

Lord:  I can’t do anything about the past and only you know the future.  I can’t change a thing, yet you know me and you know my heart.  You know the good and the bad and for some reason, you still want to be around me.  You’ve given me something like a burning bush with Moses.  As I sit here, I take confidence in the fact you are with me and you will never forsake me or leave me.  Your words to me about the boil to "leave it alone, I’ll take care of it" are exactly what the great physician would say.  It is exactly what I need. 

I make the choice today to push forward with confidence that nothing will hinder me as I walk with you and trust you with all the details of my life, even the rotten ones.

A new perspective

Having to fight addictions is difficult regardless of what the addiction is.  Addictions will drive you, hound you and beat you over the head with their insistence.  They have me.  My response has been mixed.  Like anyone else fighting addictions, some days I’m ahead of the game and other days I am not.

My primary goal for the last 10 years has been to get rid of addictive behaviour by removing the root cause from my life.  My theology told me this is what would please God.  This was the way I could become like Christ.  But it hasn’t worked out that way.  Not even close.  Not only have I been unable to “get rid of” the addictions, the more I try the worse I get.

I also understand “Blue water theology”.  Blue water theology is a simple concept.  If you have a glass of blue water and you want to get rid of the blue, the only way to do it is to continually pour fresh, clean water into the glass so that the blue water is replaced with clean water.  It’s not a quick process, but it is a consistent one.  If you stay at it, the blue gets less and less and the water becomes clearer.  Over a period of time (usually much longer than we desire) the glass becomes clear.

The Lord is at work.  There is clear water beginning to flow into my glass at a rather astonishing rate.  As the clear water flows into my glass, I see the blue water of my life becoming less and less obvious.

How did He do it?

I have experienced a dramatic change of heart in the last several months.  I’ve begun to see others who are less fortunate than I in a new light.  The Lord has seen fit to open my heart and insert their plight into the fibre of my being.

I am different.

I am changed.

Nothing looks the same anymore.

Everything is different.

A young lady named Gisela that I never met has been the spark that started my heart burning for her people.

Her memorial service was like liquid fire to my soul.

I met her family, her father and mother and her people.

I see how the Lord has used this burning love for others as clear water to my life.  Nature abhors a vacuum and there can be no removal of the blue water in one’s life without something filling the void.  It’s impossible for me to do that.  Only God can do that.  Only God can remove the blue water of my life with the pure, clear water of the Holy Spirit.  As the Holy Spirit has moved to fill my heart with love for the Hispanic people and specifically her congregation I sense the blue water of addictions in my life becoming less and less obvious.

It’s still there … but much less visible.

My heart burns for answers to questions that haunt my newfound friends.  Answers to difficult questions.  Questions that seem to defy answers.

I know the democrats don’t have the answers I’m looking for.

I know the republicans don’t have the answers I’m looking for.

God is the one with the answers I’m looking for.

God is the only one that has the answers I’m looking for.

I am pursuing God with abandon for my new found friends, for the answers to their questions are answers to my questions.

Stay tuned as the adventure continues.

The runway of life: Mark 4–Acts 12

As I read Mark 4:35-41 I thought about the disciples being in the boat with Jesus.  There is much gold to be mined from this story.  When I am under a great amount of stress and I am not responding as I should, I often come back to this event in the life of the disciples.  When I first read this story many years ago, I read it with an eye towards Jesus rebuking them for their lack of faith.

Mark 4:40 (AMP) He said to them, Why are you so timid {and} fearful? How is it that you have no faith (no firmly relying trust)?

I’m not sure that analysis is correct.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not correct.  I don’t think this was a rebuke as much as a question.  This is an amazing experience.  Men that made their living on the water, were caught by surprise by the violence of this storm.  The amplified uses the word Timid, which is an interesting choice when used in association with fear.

Merriam-Webster defines timid as: 1: lacking in courage or self-confidence <a timid person> and 2: lacking in boldness or determination <a timid policy>.

Fearful on the other hand is defined as: causing or likely to cause fear, fright, or alarm especially because of dangerous quality <a fearful storm>.

This storm revealed 4 things about the disciples:

    1.    No courage
    2.    No self-confidence
    3.    No boldness
    4.    No determination

So a quick formulae for this story says if you add these 4 things together, with a storm, you get some serious fear.  This is a pretty simple analysis and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see it either.

If you look at the beginning of the story you see the whole lake crossing thing was Jesus’ idea.  He had enough confidence in God and the whole process of faith, that he was asleep in the back of the boat.  He was actually asleep at a time of great danger.  The appearance he was projecting wasn’t one of calm assurance, but one of complete reckless disregard for the situation.  I believe Paul describes this attitude well to Timothy. 2 Tim 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm {and} well-balanced mind {and} discipline {and} self-control.

If you advance to Acts 12, you will see Peter learned this lesson well.  In one of the most amazing attitudinal turn arounds in history, Peter models Jesus as they are preparing to execute him.  Acts clearly states that Peter was sound asleep chained between two guards.  The story is amazing in its implications.  The point however is this: Peter learned how to operate as Jesus did.  Look at the elements of the two stories.  There was death in the air in both stories.  There was nothing, and I repeat NOTHING they could do to correct the situation.  There was such great peace and confidence in the hearts of two men, they were able to sleep soundly and peacefully in the face of life threatening danger.  God brought about a great deliverance in each situation.  A deliverance that was so outlandish, so impossible, so unpredictable that you wouldn’t even have the thought to pray for it.  Yet, God in his infinite, creative way pulled them out of the fire.

I have asked God to allow me to have that kind of peace.  I told Him I wanted it.  I told him I wanted to get on the runway between Mark 4 and Acts 12.  I am on that runway, but I’m much closer to Mark 4 than Acts 12.  But I am on the runway.  In the last month I’ve seen work pressures increase to an almost unbearable level.  I’ve seen my personal, internal struggles fester to a level I don’t think I can continue with.  I’ve seen my physical strength decline as years of outside work and broken bones begin to cry out for relief.  I hurt physically, spiritually and emotionally.  I hate where I am.  I don’t like what I see at all.  Yet I am where I am supposed to be.  Paul says: 2 Cor 4:4 For the god of this world has blinded the unbelievers’ minds [that they should not discern the truth], preventing them from seeing the illuminating light of the Gospel of the glory of Christ (the Messiah), Who is the Image {and} Likeness of God.  Satan would do all that he can to stop me from seeing my sin and my failings in the light of the Gospel.  My goal is to be able to roll over, go to sleep and let the storm rage while I sleep.  Not there yet, but I am on the runway of life moving from Mark 4 towards Acts 12.

The wizard meets the King

Acts 8 tells the Story of Simon the magician.  I often read of Simon in a bad light.  However, as I reread Acts 8 last night I was struck by the thought that I am just like this guy.  Simon had a very difficult background to overcome.  While it was much different from mine, it was none the less a background ruled by satan and his lifestyle.  Simon was deeply immersed in the magic arts and apparently proficient in their use.  He was well known in his community.  He was considered a man people listened to.  But a funny thing happened along the way to the magic show one day.  The wizard met the king.

Look at things from Simon’s point of view.  He is good at what he does.  He gets up in the morning, goes to work, does some magic tricks and people come to him for advice.  They respect and honor him.  Then he hears about an evangelist named Phillip.  Lots of things going on with this guy’s ministry.  He sees miracles and signs being performed and his heart is moved he is born again and gets baptized.

Lets freeze Simon’s life for a moment.  What does he look like spiritually?  He’s a new born.  He is a new creature for sure, but he has a lot of “unlearning” to do.  He is a practiced wizard and unlike Apollos, where Priscilla and Aquila took him aside to explain the Word more accurately, we don’t see anyone taking Simon to the side and explaining salvation to him.  In other words, Apollos got saved and was taught the way.  He was taught as a disciple.  Simon as yet hasn’t had that experience. 

What he saw in the baptism of the Holy Spirit, he responded to with his wizard mind.  (Remember Paul said in Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  The Word hasn’t had time enough to do that for Simon.) The Holy Spirit then spoke to Simon through Peter and identified a couple of big areas he needed to deal with.  (See Psalms 139:23-24).  He repented and the story moves on.

I can relate to this because It took me many years to unlearn all of the defense mechanisms I had built up.  When I saw the things of God I responded to them in ignorance and attempted to do things the way I had learned.  Who hasn’t done this?

When you think of Simon the Sorcerer from now on, think of him in terms of your own life and see if you can’t cut him some slack!

Lord: As you have so often done, help me to see the log in my own eye before I start throwing things at others.  When I start to get off track you have my permission to send whoever to help me see things clearly.  Like Simon, give me the wisdom to quickly repent and move on to conforming daily to the image of Christ.

Questions that need answers ……

Yesterday my sister called and informed me that when I was over at her house to provide ice removal and driveway cleaning services, I dropped my wallet on the driveway.  I had no clue.  I knew I needed to go get it quietly so my beloved wouldn’t find out and do me serious bodily harm.  Well I got the wallet and all’s well that ends well.  On the way back to my house though I begin to think about God’s wonderful protection.  I don’t feel well, I’m tried and was unable to take care of myself as I attempted to help my sister.  He protected me when I wasn’t aware I needed it.

As I thanked Him for that, I had another problem come up I really don’t know what to do with.  I have been approached several times by homeless people that are begging for money or help.  This happened to me yesterday.  I told her I wouldn’t help her.  She left and I thought about it afterwards.  I don’t have any excuses for telling her to leave.  She was an inconvenience.  I was leaving the store headed home to watch football.  I think she singled me out to approach me.  I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how.  Give her money?  No, I don’t think that’s the right approach.  Pick her up in the car and take her to buy food?  That might be ok, but I don’t want to pick up a homeless woman in my car alone.  That seems a poor way to go about things.  What do I do?  What is the correct response?  She was there and gone in a couple of minutes.  I started to think about it and I wanted to find her, but she was gone.  An angel perhaps?  I don’t know, but she wasn’t there when I went back to look for her.

Now I don’t believe for a minute in coincidence.  The homeless event and the loss and subsequent finding of my wallet are not coincidences.  They were planned.  There are some dots here to be connected and I am not sure how I do that.  I have never been good at puzzles (Lord you know that ….) and yet this is one I want to solve.  What should my response be?  This is the second time this has happened to me in the last couple of weeks.  I know the Lord well enough to know it’s going to happen again.  He’s not mad at me, He’s giving me a test and it’s something I need to work through.  He will give me more opportunities until I get it right.  I just don’t know what to do.

This issue is only one that has been looming in my life.  The other one is immigration.  There are undocumented Hispanics that are born again Christians that are here in my city and my neighborhood.  What is the appropriate response to their situation?  I know what answer my political training as a conservative would lead me to.  But that is a political answer, not one based on what God wants.  There is no easy answer here.  There is no simple answer here.  I want to know what God wants done, not what my particular brand of political theory would lead me to do.  A political answer would treat people as chattel or property and would be based on using people to achieve political ends.  Whatever the right answer is, using people to gain votes so I can stay in or get political power is wrong and I won’t be a party to it.

But what do I do?  James 1:5 (ESV) says:  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

I don’t know the right answer to either of these questions.  I do know the Lord is bringing them to my attention.  I sense these two questions are part of an overarching change in my life.  Life as I have known it in 2011 will be drastically different.  I am not sure what this means, but it’s a prophecy aimed squarely at me.

My work life is exploding right in front of me.  The demands are growing more and more and the reasonableness of them is becoming less and less.  In the past I would have approached the Lord about getting this awful pressure off my back.  Today, I understand His approach better.  I understand that rather than getting rid of the horrible pressure, I am to trust Him as I walk THROUGH the pressure.  The same God that provided protection to me when I didn’t know I needed it (ie: my “lost” wallet) will walk with me and guide me through the “flood” of business responsibilities. 

Lord: You are providing me clarity and guidance.  I know I don’t deserve any of it, but you are with me, on my side and loving me anyway.  I am asking you for further clarification on the homeless and immigration questions.  What would YOU have me do in these situations?  How can I be of help?  I ask you to help me re-order my priorities to match yours.  When they don’t, show me and give me courage to proceed when it looks safer to stand pat.

The year in review

It’s Saturday morning the 1st of January 2011.  My beloved is asleep and I arose early to read and reflect.  The year 2010 was in many ways the most difficult year I’ve faced in the last 20.  The Lord brought to light so many things I have tried to hide.  Great shame and disappointment have dogged my trail for so many years.  It all seemed to explode inside of me in 2010.  As the old radio show says, “Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men …”  Well I saw the evil in my heart and I was crushed by guilt and shame.  That’s putting it mildly.

But an amazing thing happened along the road of guilt and shame.  I discovered that God loved me anyway.  He loved me in spite of my past and all of the baggage that comes with it.  I learned that He is the one that brings to pass the sanctification of my life not me.  I learned that my efforts were futile and to continue to try to be “better” for God was simply a waste of my time.  I learned though a wise counselor that my life was on track with what God had planned and the pain and discomfort I was experiencing was ok, yea it was even part of the plan.

I learned that fear was holding me back from the best God has for me.  My fear of my past and the damage I experienced from sexual abuse and the repercussions it has had on my life.

I learned that God’s grace was far greater than my ability to screw things up!

I attended Onsite workshops and God used that event to put to rest any fears about my past.  While none of the issues I have been concerned about were solved during my Onsite workshop, I have acquired a new way of looking at them and am at peace with my soul about them.

Over the last couple of months I’ve sensed a shift in my internal guidance system.  It’s hard to put it into words, but it is a definite shift.  I see this manifesting as a change in my emphasis on work.  I am a good employee, but I’m going to begin to make choices about scheduling and priorities based on what works for my family and my church, not work.  In the past, I’ve set aside my family and my church activities for the sake of work schedule.  I will no longer do that.  I have subordinated my personal life to meet scheduled work tasks and priorities.  That can’t continue and me be and effective witness for the Lord.  In order to correct it, I am NOT making a new years resolution to do better.  I am simply stating that my decision making process will no longer be guided by the demands of my job.  I will make responsible business decision guided by prayer, but I will not place all other aspects of my life in a subordinated position to work.

The Lord has opened opportunities for me to minister in areas I never dreamed possible.  A local Latino church.  I’m excited about this beyond measure.  I see the Lord opening avenues of ministry for my church far beyond anything we’ve seen before and I am excited to the extreme about this.

Prayer as priority will be the first order of business for 2011.  Jim Cymbala and Steve Brown have written books that have inspired me and given me a much clearer understanding of prayer.  “Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire” and “Approaching God” are books I highly recommend to anyone looking for a deeper and guilt free approach to prayer.

Lord: I thank you for 2010.  It was year full of surprises, ups and downs and learning. I suppose just like every other year, yet this one seems “different” for some reason.  I ask you to give me hears to hear clearly (Is 50:4) and a heart to pray.  Thank you in advance for all that 2011 has in store!

Ouch: That hurts!!!!

Since my week at onsite, I have experienced a new freedom in my life.  I’ve enjoyed it, until yesterday.  I spoke with a friend who had a very difficult weekend with his wife.  As spouses are want to do, there was a “discussion” about a specific event that mushroomed into some very unkind words.  He told me what his wife said to him and I was shocked.  Not at what she said, but at my reaction to it.  I hurt as badly as he did, maybe more so.

I had just gone through a very difficult couple of conference calls and I didn’t want to allow them to affect my evening.  But what his wife said to him affected me.  Because I hurt for him.  I had never experienced that before.  I have had situations where other guys I knew experienced difficult times, but I had never actually “felt” what their experiences were like.  Yesterday I did.  And as soon as I realized what I was feeling I told the Lord in no uncertain terms, “I don’t like this.”  I hate feeling miserable like that.  Why would I want to?  This is the big question I had to face last night.  The struggle took all of my strength and I was in bed by 7:30.

Then I began to realize as I lay there and read Steve Brown’s book “A Scandalous Freedom” that this is what God had intended all along.  If I am connected to the body I should feel what they feel.  I was actually experiencing what I should have been experiencing all along in my Christian walk but was unable to because of my hardness of heart.  So actually what I was experiencing was a good thing, it was just new to me.

I have two other very close friends that have experienced some very rough times recently.  I have wanted to help them but have been unable to.  I hurt for them as well.  I love all three of these people deeply.  Before I went to onsite though, I would have felt bad they were having issues, but I would not have allowed myself to “feel” their pain (as a recent president would have said!).  But I did go to onsite and I do “feel” their pain.  Instead of running from it or shutting it down, I welcome the experience as a celebration of life, a celebration of God’s grace and a signal that I am coming alive in Christ.  I AM making progress even if I can’t see it from day to day.  Jesus Christ is having an impact on my life.  I am changing.

Lord: thank you for allowing me to feel the pain of my good friends.  I ask you to allow me to be of any assistance to them you deem necessary!  I would have prayed for you to “rescue” them from the pain but I am not sure that’s how I would pray now.  I pray you will reveal yourself to them in the difficult situation you find them in.  Let them know you love them and that I love them.

Out of gas

Lord:  This day has not gone as I would have hoped.  I can’t imagine a more difficult work related environment.  I’m not complaining about work, because I love my job.  It’s just I am being hit by everything but the kitchen sink and I think that’s coming.  I don’t want to complain.  I’m just worn out.  I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.  I’m not mad at anyone, I’m just out of gas.  There seems to be so many issues I am supposed to deal with but have no control over.

Church is a good example.  I feel as if I have let everyone down because I am down about it.  I don’t want to be down, but I am.  I am excited at times and then I turn around and I get clobbered by something I didn’t see coming.  Then I go into the spiritual tank.

The phone issue today.  That was my fault and yet the reasoning given by my phone company is not credible.  This feeds bad thoughts.  I would never have let the bill slide and even though they screwed up on their end, I didn’t catch it and I should have.  That upsets me.

My internal struggles are wearing on me still.  Onsite was great, but because I’m not running away, I now get to see more of the "real me" and I hate it.  I see the actions of my heart and through your grace and mercy, I see the why’s and whatfor’s of where I am now.  Wow, that is good, but something I simply can’t take in at this time.  I am ashamed of what I see.  It is so horrible.

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone because I don’t want to sound like I am complaining.  And I don’t feel as if I can really communicate with anyone about this deep need that keeps hammering me.  Addictions, addictions, addictions … man I’m tired of them, but don’t seem to be able to get them under control either.

I haven’t done so well at sharing my heart.  Well I am trying to share if for no other reason than to get it out and laid on the table.  I need to tell someone what is going on inside.

There are times (like today) when I simply can’t work up enough energy to go.  I simply can’t get my arms around work anymore.  At least not in the last 6 weeks.  Things I am good at and have done so well for oh so many years, I don’t seem to care about anymore.  Weather they get done or not is immaterial to me.  That scares me Lord.  I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t seem to have it in me to be any other way at this time.

Physically I am exhausted.  My body seems to be rebelling against me.  My arm hurts on a regular basis.  My back is giving me fits.  My toe and foot hurt.  I am tempted to run to the Dr. and get some prescription meds for my arm.  I could do that, but then I would abuse them. 

Not sure where to go from here.  I hope to get some sleep tonight. 

Help me to focus on your agenda and others and not so much mine Lord.  I don’t want to be selfish, but I think I am.

Lord, I got to run right now … Lets go get something to eat … I’ll buy!  You like taco’s?

A man after God’s own heart????

Acts 13:22 And when He had deposed him, He raised up David to be their king; of him He bore witness and said, I have found David son of Jesse a man after My own heart, who will do all My will {and} carry out My program fully. [I Sam. 13:14; Ps. 89:20; Isa. 44:28.]

I​’ve always wondered about David and how God could make the above statement.  David is a guy I can relate to.  Well somewhat.  This isn’t a blog about David’s life.  It’s a blog about my life and how God is working with me to bring my life into conformity with the image and life of Jesus Christ.  At the same time though, I believe there is a connection between what God states about David and me.

I am reading Steve Brown’s book "A Scandalous Freedom".   I see page after page that describes how God worked in Steve’s life and in my life.  When Steve mentioned he didn’t feel like he was getting better, he made this great statement:

"There really is something neurotic about Christians who spend most of their time trying desperately to please a God who is already very pleased.  They don’t have any freedom, and they sometimes take away the freedom of others."

I thought about this statement and I wanted to look up the word neurotic and see what it meant.  Wow!

1.  A functional disorder in which feelings of anxiety, obsessional thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical complaints without objective evidence of disease, in various degrees and patterns, dominate the personality.  2.  A relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment.

There are some key phrases here that have described with a great deal of accuracy my relationship with God over the last 10 years.

Without objective evidence:  I have had no indications from any of my experiences that God is mad at me or displeased with me.  I have heard a ton of comments from other sources that He is mad at me, but nothing from God confirming my self "diagnosis".  All of the voices I’ve heard are loud, harsh and full of condemnation.  I am reminded of Elijah’s experience in the mouth of a cave somewhere.  God wasn’t in the fire, earthquake and hurricane, but in the "still, small voice".  A gentle whisper.  So (as they say in the NFL) "Upon further review, the call made by the condemning voices has been overturned.  1st and 10!  The enemy of your soul has been charged with his last time out and has no more challenges left!"

Dominate:  The thought that I have displeased God has dominated my being since May of 2001.   One thing Steve Brown has shown me is that finding out about my heart isn’t something to run from God about.  He is showing me these things to help me understand His love for me and how to deal with them.  He has not shown me the things in my heart to show his displeasure with me (see above paragraph).  Again let me quote the book:

"How often have we Christians … spent wasted hours of remorse over our lack of perfection …  Our honest belief that we can be far better than we are is one of the major reasons we are so bound.  Our freedom has been taken away because we thought that we couldn’t be free unless we were perfect".

Steve’s point is clear to me now.  Perfection is not a goal I can reach in this life and certainly not on my own efforts.   Being shown my own sinful heart requires my turning to God for help, not a redoubling of effort on my part to be better.  I have no more plans to suffer under dominating thoughts of God’s displeasure with me.

Excessive anxiety:  Because I have not been able to "get better" I have had great periods of anxiety.  This anxiety has opened the door to addictions and started a spiritual spiral downward.  I obsess over not being perfect.  I become anxious over the dominating thoughts about my unholy heart.  Since I can’t "fix" the problem, addictions (pornography and sexual acting out, alcohol, compulsive spending) jump to the forefront of my life.  They in turn make things worse and so I obsess more over my lack of spiritual growth.  You get the picture.

Indecision and Maladjustment:  I have been indecisive about my spiritual life.  I have been waiting to "get better" before I try to do anything.  My thought pattern told me God would use me, just not in the state I was in.  I needed to "clean up" my act.  Since I was unable to "clean up" my act, then I withdrew from meaningful intereactions with people.  My job allowed  me long periods of being by myself and I would isolate.  I will do that, "when I get better" was the mantra.

Back to David.  When I read about David’s life, I see all of these characteristics present in his life.  Read the Psalms.  It’s all there.  Read the books of Samuel.  It’s there as well.  So last night as I was thinking about all of these things I had a crazy thought:

Maybe I am  a man after God’s own heart?

A fallen hero????

​Today I had an interesting experience.  My Beloved and I were walking  in Las Vegas and I found a sports memorabilia store.  I wandered in and noticed some really neat things that took me back many years to my hero’s of days gone by.  Then My Beloved pointed to a sign that one of my primary childhood hero’s was going to be there in an hour to meet with people and sign autographs.  Wow I thought, how cool is that!  So I hung around until he showed up.  Then something interesting happened.

My hero spent his opening few minutes working with the local guys to figure out the betting lines for tonight’s Monday night football game.  He signed an autograph and then took a betting sheet from another guy in the store and was looking at betting lines.  I didn’t ask for his autograph or even really bother taking a picture.  I walked around the corner of the store and there was a jersey for my favorite all time NFL quarterback who had his own issues with alcohol.  I left the store pondering what I had just seen.

I didn’t want the autograph not because I was disgusted with the player.  Quite the contrary, I like the guy.  However I saw something of human nature and God’s mercy and grace while watching this scene.  I realized how I put unrealistic expectations on other people and they can’t possibly live up to them.  I realized how superficial it is to try to judge people by their performance.  Both of these men achieved the highest pinnacles their sport had to offer.  Success was theirs.  All the hard work and effort paid off for them professionally.  Yet both men are examples of men like me.  They have issues that need to be resolved.   Addiction to alcohol and gambling are no different than addiction to spending and sexual activity.  Addiction is addiction.  People are people.  Only God has the ability to break this cycle.  We can’t do it by our efforts.  My hero may well have his addiction under control.  I don’t know if he does or not.  That is not the issue.

The issue is how I can make judgements of people based on their performance and my expectations.  It isn’t right for me to judge anyone by expectations that I or anyone else set.  I need to evaluate people in the light of what Jesus said about them.  In addition, I need to apply this same standard to me.  The expectations I apply to myself are simply ridiculous.  There is no way I could possibly meet the standard of performance I try to set.  How silly is that? 

S​teve Brown in his wonderful book "A Scandelous Freedom" makes this statement:  "God will not only love you if you don’t get better; he will teach you that getting better isn’t the issue.  His love is the issue."

I have spent a great deal of my time and energy over the last 10 years trying to "get better".  All of my efforts, all of my worry, all of my crying, whinning, and complaining haven’t produced  any results.  I’m 10 years older and not much better through my efforts.  I have tried to "get better" so God will accept me.  How silly is that?  Romans tells me Jesus died for me when I was at my worst.  Psalms tells me He knows everything about me and still likes me.  It’s not my efforts that produce results.  It is what He did for me, not what I can do for myself.

Well DUHHHHH! 

I​n the last couple of weeks I have learned I need to re-evaluate several major aspects of my life.  I need to rethink sobriety.  I need to rethink addiction.  I need to completely rethink my relationship to myself and my own heart.  These things are all very good.  They are necessary.  After my week at onsite, I know God isn’t mad at me and is on my side.  I know I have a new set of tools to work with.  I know that finding out what is in my heart isn’t a time to run and hide, it’s a time to go to God and work with Him to deal with the issues that surface.

Lord:  Thank you so much for your close presence.  Thank you for showing me your grace and mercy.  Thank you for giving me insight into my own heart.  Help me to not panic when it throws me for a loop and help me to trust in you!